In response to the lists of 30 things every woman should know or be able to do or have done by the time they’re 30, I made my own list, which is absolute genius and is full of shit you should live by.
1. Be able to cook at least 3 seprate dishes that don’t involve a microwave or using the telephone.
2. Take a poop at friends house without turning on the tap.
3. Know that letting your thong show above your pants will only attract nobody. It’s not 1995 anymore and you’re also not 16.
4. Be able to walk in heels, both when drunk and sober. We all make fun of those idiots who teeter around.
5. Know how to score free drinks at a bar/club without getting too slutty.
6. Be able to carry on a conversation with a stranger.
7. Know what is acceptable to eat on public transit.
8. Know that if you cut your nails in public, nothing on this list applies to you because you’re disgusting and you barely rank in society.
9 . Fuck with the lights on.
10. Be able to play at least one sport semi-decently or be able to play sport without screaming like a fucking banshee when a ball comes your way.
11. If you chose to act like a dumb bitch, take a second, think about it, and then stop.
12. Get a swiss army knife and learn how to use it.
13. Know that text-fighting with your boyfriend is futile, and if this is what you resort to, you should be dumped.
14. Know that if someone calls you a fat bitch, you probably shouldn’t sleep with them.
15. Know that magazines don’t count as books to anyone worth spending time with.
16. Know that sugar and carbs are not the problem, you are.
17. Take some time out to touch yourself.
18. Know that if you model your plan for success off of reality TV, you’ll probably die young and alone.
19. Don’t spend time feeling ugly. The reality is, your youngest, thinnest self is on it’s way out so don’t waste time feeling shitty, enjoy what you have. Depending on your genetics, you might be truly fucked sooner than you think.
20. Know that sleeping around has an expiration date. Just be sure to check yours from time to time.
21. Know that you are at an age when you can shave sparingly.
22. Know that being on top is sexy, for the most part. Go for it.
23. Be confident enough to fart on the subway.
24. Know that your biological clock doesn’t understand you still live in a shitty apt, are in debt and don’t have a good job. Ignore that bitch and adopt later.
25. Know that Starbucks holds no answers to any of your problems.
26. Learn when to shut the fuck up once and a while.
27. Learn when not to shut the fuck up - to be used sparingly, don’t go gangbusters all “I am woman” all over the place. You’ll loose friends.
28. Don’t cry so much for no reason. Unless you’re prego, hormones are no excuse. Buck up already.
29. Talk to your parents on the regular. It goes from frustrating to hilarious quicker than you think.
30. Just don’t give a fuck.
Posted on Friday, 27 April 2012
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